NOTE: Those of you who do not want to read about me urinating, feel free to go elsewhere right about... now.

So I think I've mentioned before that I have enrolled in what is called the "Human Reliability Program" here at the lab, wherein they certify that I am reliably human. Even though I have not yet received my certification, I am already on the list of people who at least once a year will be subjected to random drug testing. And today my number was up.

I got the call this morning that I needed to come out to the cool HRP-mobile (a custom RV) which was in the parking lot. Once there, I would be required to blow into a tube and pee into a cup. No problem with the alcohol test; my lungs were in good working order (and I don't drink). Unfortunately, I had gone to the bathroom about 5 minutes before this phone call. So there was approximately zero urine in my strategic stockpile.

I had 15 minutes before my "appointment," so I proceeded to chug 2 liters of water. Basically I drank until I felt like I had just eaten a huge meal and was incredibly full. I went out to the RV and did the alcohol test (0.000% blood alcohol level, what a surprise). Then they handed me the cup and off I went to the little bathroom in the back of the RV. Now the cup has a line to which I must fill, and it was only about 60ml, but there was just no way that was going to happen. I gave it a good shot and produced about 15ml... and that was it. After a few minutes I gave up and gave them what I had.

They told me it wasn't enough and I'd have to drink some water and try again. Then they measured the temperature and determined that it was cold (since it had been sitting in the cup for about 4 minutes) and this was bad. Apparently if you hand them a cup 'o urine at the wrong temperature, they assume that you gave them someone else's urine or something. And that means....

Yes. You have to prove to them that you are peeing into your own cup by... letting some guy watch you pee. I had three hours from my "first attempt" to produce the requisite 60ml, and this time someone had to watch.

And that... like... totally blows.

I drank another liter of water and made that fucker wait for the full three hours in protest. By then I had to go to the bathroom so bad I didn't really care if the queen of England was watching; it was going to happen. And 60ml was no problem.

But wow... how embarrassing.