I went to the exam room to find it locked. Professor Yip and the fusion research guy I didn't know showed up and we talked for awhile, waiting for Molvig to shop up. Yip decides to tell me some things he'd like to hear me talk about (that weren't currently in my talk) which I had to incorporate on the fly as I was giving my presentation, which sucked hard and made my talk a lot less tight than it was.

The exam itself was so frustrating. I was really expecting conceptual questions. Molvig hadn't given me any advice on what sorts of questions to prepare for, so I talked to other students that had taken it before and everyone said "concepts, not derivations." And that's what I prepped for. And of course, I got all derivations, proofs, etc.

Immediately threw me off and put me in a very uncomfortable position. I wasn't prepared to answer most of the simplest questions they gave me. As soon as it became clear to me that I was not performing well, then I lost my nerve and started making mistakes on stuff I knew. It was a total disaster. Molvig looked pissed the whole time and was clearly giving me hints and throwing me softballs and I was just screwing it all up.

The worst part was that they asked questions in a manner which made it unclear what it was they were looking for. I spent a lot of time stumbling around trying to figure out what it was they were actually asking. And then to boot they threw a particle methods question in there - something I have never done ever. Not sure what they were expecting me to be able to do on that one.

The two hours flew by so fast and I actually wanted the exam to continue because I felt that I had just cocked everything up and needed to redeem myself. I left the room completely humiliated and I could hear Molvig already trying to make excuses for me as I walked away.

The rest of yesterday and all of last night and today sucked. I have just been sitting here being mad at myself for being such a moron, and mad at Molvig for not giving me the advice he promised. I sat here all weekend when he said he would come in, and he didn't. Didn't even come in on Monday.

I went to the post-generals party in the lounge and got my food before going to face my doom because I wasn't expecting to pass. Molvig has a great poker face. The fucker passed me. He said I wasn't even borderline, which blows my mind.

How bad do you have to cock this one up to fail?

I don't understand how my performance constitutes a passing grade, and I'm still very upset with myself and Molvig, but I passed. I am a doctoral candidate, only a thesis stands in the way of my being Dr. Mouser.

Now I'm going to go home, where I haven't been in a month (save three trips to drop off dirty laundry and pick up fresh stuff). Sleep. At last.